


A Knife in his Ribs

by plantboycharms



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, HRT, Hormones, M/M, Needles, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Kozume Kenma, Trans, Trans Character, Trans Hinata Shouyou, Trans Kozume Kenma, Trans Kuroo Tetsurou, Trans Male Character, Trans Oikawa Tooru, Transgender, binding, birthname, deadname, general trans angst, like no offense but none of these characters are cishets, they're all trans, unsafe binding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-10
Updated: 2016-09-10
Packaged: 2018-08-14 04:59:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,400
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7999450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/plantboycharms/pseuds/plantboycharms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"The only place I could be a boy was in the volleyball club other than that I wasn't allowed to be a boy I had to be a girl I was forced to stay a girl all through middle school except in the club I was born a girl Tobio I was a girl but I'm NOT anymore I'm NOT a girl I'm a BOY Tobio please don't stop loving me I'm sorry I lied I'm so sorry I just couldn't I just didn't want to I just-"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Lemme tell ya right now all of this is from experience. All this trans angst is my own personal trans angst. Sorry.

Hinata and Kageyama were walking down the street, Hinata wheeling his bike with one hand and swinging Kageyama's hand with the other, as per usual. They did this every day. Nothing out of the ordinary. Hinata was chatting animatedly, Kageyama listening, keeping his eyes on the small redhead, nodding occasionally to show he was paying attention.   
A normal walk.   
Until they heard a girl’s voice behind them, shouting a girl’s name. Hinata froze, all the blood draining from his face. Kageyama stopped, puzzled, and looked at him as he whispered, more to himself than anything, "oh no."   
The girl called again, and Hinata looked like he was on the verge of panic. Then he turned, looking at the approaching girl, who was skipping their way, and forced out a smile.   
"Hi, Sukiyaki."   
There was a faint feeling of dread in Kageyama's stomach, and he didn't know why. Maybe it was the aura of panic that hung around Hinata. This girl probably wouldn't see it, but Kageyama was pretty in-tune with Hinata's mood, even after being his partner for two months.   
The girl finally reached them, and started talking, bright and bubbly. She seemed nice Kageyama thought. Why was Hinata so panicked?   
"I thought you weren't going to stop walking for a second there! How have you been? I almost didn't recognize you! I haven't seen you since middle school!"   
Hinata laughed a little, scratching the back of his head.   
"I've been good. Busy with school stuff. We should probably-"   
"We?" The girl noticed Kageyama, standing protectively close to Hinata. "Ooooh, is this your BOYfriend??" She squealed a little, looking up at Kageyama. She was even shorter than Hinata, wearing a school uniform from a different high school, and carrying her book bag with both hands. It looked heavy. She blushed when she met his eyes, but that didn't stop her from saying "ooooh, he's CUTE!! Girl, you did well!"   
Hinata shuffled a little, stepping back onto one of Kageyama's feet. He looked up into his face, and Kageyama could see the panic threatening to take over. It was a plea for help, he realized.   
"We've got a lot to do, so we'll be going." Kageyama said icily, completely forgoing any introduction and staring down at the girl, trying his best to recreate that stare he knew intimidated almost everyone he knew.   
It seemed to work.   
"Oh! W-well, I'll leave you to it, then. Uh. It was good to see you again!" She took a few steps backwards, then turned on her heel and scurried away.   
"Bye, Suki..." Hinata said, weakly. She probably hadn't heard. 

Hinata was still for another thirty seconds or so, then he turned and pressed his face into Kageyama's chest. He wrapped his arms around the tiny boy's shoulders. He was so small, Kageyama thought. And he felt particularly breakable today, leaning into Kageyama's chest and, he noticed, shaking like a leaf.   
Kageyama stayed silent for a minute or so, then asked, gently, "Are you alright?"  
Hinata took a deep breath, shoulders lifting and falling, and then mumbled "I never wanted you to hear it."   
Kageyama could barely understand. His voice was very garbled by Kageyama's shirt, so he gently took Hinata's face and lifted it away from his chest, looking into his eyes. Hinata blinked and looked down, avoiding his gaze.   
"What did you say? Hear what?"   
"Nothing." Hinata still wouldn't make eye contact. He was looking down, long eyelashes brushing his cheeks, and almost pouting.   
Kageyama squatted down, putting his own face under Hinata's. What a change in perspective.   
"Shouyou."   
Hinata got redder and redder, still avoiding his gaze.   
"What has you so panicky?"   
"That NAME! What she CALLED me!" Hinata burst out, frustratedly. "I never wanted any of you to hear it! You don't... You don't need to know!"   
Kageyama cast his mind back, trying to remember what the girl had said. His brain pulled up nothing. He hadn't been paying attention, why would he have?   
"I... Hinata, what?"   
"My- my-" Hinata had tears in his eyes now. Kageyama's heart was pounding, and he didn't know why. What in the hell was going on? Hinata didn't... Have secrets.   
"My dead name. My birth name. I thought... I had escaped it. But now... Now you know! Why! Why the HELL! Of all places to run into her!" Hinata was ranting now, gesturing angrily. He still wouldn't look at Kageyama.   
"I- I didn't even hear her say, well, I don't remember?" Kageyama said, clumsily. He didn't know what to say.   
Hinata stopped short.  
"What?"   
"I wasn't. I wasn't really paying attention. To what she was saying. Why would I? She just. Was yelling some girl's name." Kageyama stumbled over his words, blushing. His ears were probably bright red, but it was nothing to Hinata's face, red and blotchy. He looked like he was going to cry, still, but now he was looking at Kageyama, eyes wide open, staring.   
"You... You didn't..."  
Kageyama shook his head, eyebrows furrowed. What was going on? Birth name? What did Hinata mean? She definitely hadn't said Shouyou.   
"What's going on, Shouyou? Are you alright?"   
Hinata let out all of his air in one deep whoosh.   
"I... I didn't... Want you to know." His eyes were closed, but he leaned his head down and pressed his forehead to Kageyama's.  
"That's fine, Shouyou. You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."  
"No I... I guess... You would have found out anyways." Hinata breathed slowly, clearly trying to get himself under control. Kageyama recognized this. He did this same thing any time he started to panic like this at matches, confronted with Oikawa in the hallways, or test days, or when Ukai yelled at them too much.   
As he calmed, he took his head off of Kageyama and asked, voice very small, "Can we walk? While I talk?"   
Kageyama nodded, kissed Hinata's nose lightly, and stood up, putting a protective arm around his tiny shoulders, and they started walking again, bicycle in tow.   
*****  
Hinata knew this was coming. He couldn't keep hiding it from Kageyama. Of everyone, Kageyama should know.   
Ukai knew, of course. He had to. To keep Hinata safe, and make sure he was careful about his activity level, changing rooms, all that boring stuff.   
And how would he keep it a secret forever? They were /together/, for god's sake. His shirt was PROBABLY gonna come off at some point, honestly, he has to change eventually,   
The panic in his chest was not subsiding. Not one bit.   
But then there she was, a friend from middle school, just SHOUTING his birth name at them. And Hinata knew he couldn't avoid her, and Kageyama would find out, and he would break up with him, and Hinata wouldn't be able to handle it. He couldn't deal with this. They were a pair, a dynamic duo, and he couldn't lose that. 

Kageyama's arm tightened around his shoulders. Just a little squeeze. Reassuring. He was right there, right there for him.   
Hinata took another shaky breath.   
"That... That was.... That was my name. Once." He stared at the ground, focused on his feet.   
Kageyama said nothing.   
"Before I came to this school. In middle school." Obviously in middle school, where else would he have been before high school? Hinata cursed himself.   
"She, we were, she was my, uh. Friend. Before I... Uh..."   
Kageyama squeezed a little again, rubbing Hinata's shoulder with his thumb. Reassuring. Right there. For him.   
"The only place I could be a boy was in the volleyball club other than that I wasn't allowed to be a boy I had to be a girl I was forced to stay a girl all through middle school except in the club I was born a girl Tobio I was a girl but I'm NOT anymore I'm NOT a girl I'm a BOY Tobio please don't stop loving me I'm sorry I lied I'm so sorry I just couldn't I just didn't want to I just-" he said, very fast, all in one breath, stopping suddenly and heaving in panicked breaths. This was it. Kageyama would break up with him right here and it would be over. He felt tears in his eyes again, panicked tears, desperate tears, whatever they were.  
Kageyama's arm didn't move from his shoulders. He breathed heavily, binder feeling very tight, and suddenly felt Kageyama's other hand under his chin, pulling his face up to look at him. He blinked fast, trying to hide the tears in his eyes. 

"Shouyou."  
Hinata gasped a little, trying to catch his breath.   
"I'm not going anywhere."  
The arm on his shoulder squeezed again. Reassuring.   
"You're who you are. It's fine. You're fine."  
Tears were coming now. He couldn't stop them.   
All of his fears, his uncertainties. He was so scared. Dating was, frankly, terrifying, for a trans boy. Gay men and straight women alike were prejudiced. He was terrified that Kageyama would find out about his body and leave him. "False advertising."   
But he hadn't seemed upset. He was just holding him. Reassuring.   
Kageyama stepped in front of him, wrapping strong arms around his shaking body. He sobbed.   
Slowly, Kageyama took a hand away from Hinata's shoulders. He felt the bike start to roll away from his hands and let it go, not thinking. Kageyama pushed the kickstand down and pulled Hinata's hands around his waist, then returned his hand to the back of his head, stroking his hair gently. He bent down and pressed his lips to the top of Hinata's head, murmuring into his hair a steady stream of "I've got you I'm here I'm right here you're fine you're okay you'll be fine I've got you Shouyou I've got you" as Hinata tightened his grip around his waist, hanging on to the back of his shirt almost desperately. He was so scared, so relieved, so grateful. 

As he gradually calmed down, Kageyama's hand rubbing slowly up and down his back, he raised his face, blotchy, and hiccuped a little.   
"I'm sorry."   
"You have nothing to be sorry for."   
Hinata laughed a little.   
"I lied to you."  
Kageyama shook his head vehemently. "No. You didn't. You're a boy, Shouyou, regardless of your past. That doesn't matter to me. YOU matter to me."  
Hinata blushed and looked away. Kageyama took his chin again and lifted it, kissing him.   
"Let's get you home." 

And that was the end of that.


	2. Trans boys are the best boys

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Trans boys don't let trans boys bind and exercise. You have a sports bra? Change. Now."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UNSAFE BINDING  
> AAAA

The next match came, and Kageyama couldn't help but notice how winded Hinata seemed to be. Faster than usual. He didn't slow down, still darting back and forth, jumping and flying, greatest decoy around. But after the play was over he would double over, hands on his knees, breathing hard. He wasn't like this at practice.   
Kageyama approached him, between sets. His tiny hand was pressed to his chest, and he seemed to be breathing shallowly.   
"What's going on, Shou?"   
Hinata snapped his head up, looking guilty, and responded, much too quickly, "Nothing! Nothing is going on! I didn't do anything!"   
Kageyama raised an eyebrow.   
"What did you do."   
Hinata took his hand away from his chest, gripping under his chest, pulling out on his shirt.   
"Are you... Are you wearing your binder??" Kageyama asked, shocked. They both knew how dangerous it was to bind while doing exercise like that. Normally, Hinata wore a sports bra at practice. He had started puberty blockers early, but not quite early enough to stop his chest from developing entirely. A sports bra was plenty, in the loose practice shirts they wore.   
"This shirt is more fitted and there are people around... The sports bra wasn't..." Hinata mumbled, bright red, staring down. Kageyama had to resist the urge to yell. He didn't want to out him in front of all these people, but he was mad.   
"It's too dangerous, Shouyou! You're gonna break a rib. I'm gonna have Ukai pull you out." he hissed through his teeth.   
"You can't! We'll never beat the Grand King if you do. We need this!"   
It was too late, and Hinata was right.   
They went back to the game, Kageyama praying harder than ever that they win the second set and finish the game quickly. He needed his boyfriend in one piece. 

They didn't.   
*****  
Immediately after the second set ended, Kageyama grabbed Hinata and shoved him towards the bathrooms.   
"Sports bra. Now."   
Hinata didn't even protest. He knew he needed to change. It felt like there was a knife jammed into his ribs, and every breath hurt. He grabbed his bag, making his way to the bathroom. Not many people went to the bathroom on the breaks between sets, it was too short of a break. He should be alone.   
He didn't bank on the Grand King Oikawa bursting into the bathroom, just as he got his shirt off. He clutched it to his chest as he turned around, trying to hide the navy blue half binder covering his chest, unsuccessfully. His cheeks bloomed red, panic filled his aching chest, and his hands shook as Oikawa stared down at his binder, then up into his eyes. 

"You're binding?? For a MATCH??" Oikawa practically shouted.   
Hinata was stunned. How did he know what his binder was called? This giant, handsome, talented volleyball player (okay, stop there, Shouyou, you sound pretty gay, he thought to himself) was staring at his binder still, almost angrily.   
"Do you have a sports bra? I'm not letting you back out there until you take that off. Even /I/ would wear sports bras for tournaments, until I had top surgery! You idiot! Don't you know how dangerous that is?"   
Hinata couldn't breathe. He was astonished. What was the Grand King saying? What did he mean?   
"Trans boys don't let trans boys bind and exercise. You have a sports bra? Change. Now." Oikawa grabbed Hinata's shoulders and spun him around, shoving him towards a stall.   
Hinata let himself be pushed. He really did need to change. And he did. 

Shuffling bashfully out of the bathroom stall, sports bra on and shirt back on, he stared down at the ground. He could see that Oikawa was standing there, arms crossed.   
"See, you look fine. Perfectly flat. Flatter than I did. Come on now, what were you thinking?"   
Hinata shuffled his feet, very red. He was still confused.   
"Are you... Are you trans too?" he mumbled, very embarrassed and uncomfortable.  
"Of course I am!" Oikawa boomed, flipping his hair out of his face. "How else would I be this handsome? Everyone knows trans boys are the best boys." He had the same cocky grin on his face as always.   
"I... I never would have guessed??" Hinata said, staring up at Oikawa breathlessly.   
"This is what you have to look forward to, little one. Well, you won't be as handsome as me. But nobody is. Now come on, stretch when we get back out there. Or else." He smiled, dazzling as always.   
Hinata followed him out of the bathroom, almost shell-shocked. 

Kageyama grabbed his arm and pulled him over to the side as the two entered the courts again.   
"What took you so long? We're about to go back. You did change, right?"   
"Yeah, I... Oikawa came in and... I'll tell you after." Hinata said, eyes still trained to the back of the light turquoise jersey. He tore his eyes away and followed Kageyama back to the rest of the team, breathing deeply into his diaphragm, expanding his ribs as much as he could. They felt a little better already.   
*****  
Kageyama was about to chase Oikawa into the men's room, ready to stop him from going in. Hinata didn't have time to change before Oikawa would get there. But Ukai stopped him, putting a hand on his shoulder. He looked at him, question written on his face, but Ukai just shook his head a little. He watched the entrance to the gym nervously, chewing on his lip. What if something happened? He didn't know how Oikawa would react if he found out.   
Ukai had already called for the set break to be extended until Hinata returned. All they had to do was wait, and rest, and wait. 

Then Hinata had entered, almost starry-eyed, staring at Oikawa's back, as he strode back to his own team. The tiny boy responded to his frantic, angry questions with a dazed expression on his face, and wandered back to his spot, ready to play.

The game finished. Oikawa had seemed off his game, somehow. Karasuno pulled through, mere points ahead, and the team cheered as they left the court, excited. Oikawa stalked off to the men's room again, then returned, complaining loudly about something to his teammates and a few of the boys from the other teams. Kageyama recognized Kuroo and Akaashi from practice matches among the boys around Oikawa. He was gesturing, chatting animatedly, and the other boys looked on, surprised. Kageyama looked around for Hinata and saw him inching his way towards the group of upperclassmen, looking nervous. Kageyama resisted the urge to shout "hey, Shouyou!" opting instead to follow him over, hanging back a little. He didn't particularly want to see Oikawa again.   
*****  
Hinata shuffled his way over towards Oikawa, surrounded by other huge upperclassmen, listening to what they were saying. Oikawa was shouting again, waving his arms, and Hinata could just barely hear him saying "I went in to pee, and ended up getting distracted because SOMEONE was binding in a match and I can't let THAT kind of idiocy go! Even I didn't do that!"   
The tall, black haired boy, Kuroo, took a step back at that, shouting "WHAT? Binding in a tournament?? That's probably the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"   
Kenma, not looking up from his video game, said "You should talk, Kuroo, you've almost passed out at practice before."   
"I KNOW, KENMA, THAT'S HOW I KNOW HOW STUPID IT IS!" Kuroo shouted back, throwing his arms up. "Where is he? I'm gonna fight him. You got him to take it off, right?"   
"Of course I did, who do you think I am?" Oikawa leaned back on the bench, glancing over and noticing Hinata.   
"Ah, speak of the devil. Here he is now. You're in trouble, mister." Oikawa drawled, smile creeping across his face. He stood up and approached Hinata, who felt like he was frozen to the ground. Kuroo jumped towards him, seeming like he was going to grab his shoulders and shake them.   
"Do you know how stupid it is to bind doing exercise? Do you WANT a broken rib? Or fluid in your lungs? You'll have a really hard time playing like that, idiot! Trust me, I know." Kuroo towered over Hinata, who felt his heart stop. This huge boy was looming over him, yelling about binding. How did everyone know about this stuff?   
Suddenly Kageyama's hand was on his shoulder, Kuroo was backing up, and Kenma was standing in between them.   
"Kuroo. Don't scare him. He's had a hard day as is. Oikawa, you just outed him to all of us. I hope you know how scary that is. Apologize." Kenma's voice was sharper than Hinata had ever heard it, and the two boys were hanging their heads.   
"He shouldn't worry about being outed, it's no big deal. We're all trans-friendly here." Oikawa mumbled a little, but looked at him with defiant eyes. "If anyone has a problem, they go through me first."   
"But still. He probably didn't want anyone to know. We can't all be like you, Oikawa." Kenma's arms were crossed now. He wasn't very intimidating, but Oikawa seemed to be backpedaling.   
"Fine. I'm sorry, little one. I didn't mean it. Please forgive me." He didn't look very sorry.   
Hinata just blinked at him.   
"He didn't mean to scare you, Shouyou. Neither did Kuroo. Did you."   
Kuroo looked down at Kenma, mouth set in a grumpy line.   
"No, I didn't. Sorry. I've done that before, and I know how bad it is. You don't bind and play. I was worried, I guess. Are you alright?"  
Hinata took a breath, hand flying up to his chest reflexively. It felt better, mostly, but he was sore.   
"I'm... A little sore... How do you...?" He was lost. Was everyone here trans?  
"Oikawa’s post-op, so he’s in the clear, but I used to do stupid things like that too. I broke a rib at a tournament. Learned my lesson. Sports bras from then on. I… Be careful." Kuroo turned away.   
Kageyama's hand tightened on Hinata's shoulder. "Well, this was great, but we're leaving."   
"Ah, Tobio-chan! Leaving so soon?" Oikawa crowed, back to his usual spirits. Hinata still couldn't wrap his head around it. Those two were trans? Why didn't he look like that?   
"Yes, we are. This one needs to take off an article of clothing as soon as possible. Come on, let's go, Shouyou."   
"Make sure he takes really deep breaths!" Oikawa called after them.   
"And coughs! You know!" Kuroo added on.   
Kageyama just waved a hand over his shoulder as he steered Hinata off to the bathrooms to shower. 

"I'm mad at you too, you know." Kageyama said, quietly, sitting next to Hinata on his bed when they got back to Hinata's house.   
"I know." Hinata felt sick. His ribs hurt, and Kageyama hadn't even let him put his sports bra back on. He had walked out of the changing rooms, bag clutched to his chest, and hadn't taken it away on the whole bus ride home. Now they were sitting on his bed, waiting for Kageyama's mother to call to say she was home so Kageyama could go home, and he was holding his arms over his chest, hands balled into uncomfortable fists.   
"You can take your arms away, you know." Kageyama said, gently. "I'm not looking."   
Hinata lay back, hoping gravity would be good to him, and threw his arms up over his head. He closed his eyes.   
"It was stupid. But all those boys were there, and I thought I was the only one there who was... Trans, I dunno. I didn't want anyone to know. And now they do!" Hinata was a little angry. So many people knew. So many.   
"I never knew Oikawa was transgender," Kageyama mused, "or Kuroo. They're so... Big. It's kind of surprising. Will you grow that tall?"   
Hinata laughed, bitterly. "Do I look like I'm gonna be that tall? They've clearly been on T forever. I don’t even get to start for MONTHS! And Oikawa’s even had top surgery! They probably never worry about passing. And Oikawa! He can just go home and… I don’t know, sit down on the couch! He doesn’t have to worry about taking off his binder the second he comes in! He can stay out for more than EIGHT FREAKING HOURS!!! Ugh!!!!" Hinata knew he was whining, but he didn't care. He was angry, and bitter, and jealous. They were so... Masculine. And then there he was, tiny. Chest never flat enough in practice. His voice was too high, his shoulders too small, so small he barely fit in men's clothes. He was mad. He would never be like them.   
"Hey. Look at me." Kageyama was looking down at him, eyes filled with determination.   
"You're just as handsome as them. And as valid. You don't need to have surgery or hormones to be a boy. You're just as much a man as they are. No matter what."   
Hinata blushed and looked away. Kageyama always said that, but he didn't really know what he was saying, did he? Hinata still got "miss" and "she" and "the girl" all the time out in the grocery store, or at school sometimes, no matter what he did. Sometimes it frustrated him out of his mind, when people told him that he passed. They had no idea. He didn’t, really. People everywhere misgendered him. It was daily. He hated it. Kageyama would insist that nobody would ever think that he was a girl, that he was handsome, and masculine, and that his voice was deep and not feminine, but it just… It just wasn’t true. He didn’t pass in real life, and it really bothered him that people dismissed his fears and frustrations like that, so easily.   
But he didn’t want to have that fight right now. Not again. He was tired, his ribs hurt, and he knew it would just make them both angry. So he sighed, turned his head back to his boyfriend’s face, and tried to make his voice sound light.   
"I know. I just. I'm sorry I worried you."   
Kageyama leaned over him and kissed his forehead, making him blush.   
"You're a moron."   
"Shut up, Bakageyama." But he was smiling, feeling a little better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> UNSAFE BINDING MY FRIENDS  
> Don't you dare bind and exercise you guys I will personally fly to where you are and cut it off you myself.   
> Just kidding binders are expensive I'll make you take it off but whatever you know what I mean.


	3. That's where the knife was.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The knife was out from between his ribs, but it was still sore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally refuse to believe Kenma is cis

KENMAAAA: hey shou 

Hinata sat up, reaching for his phone. He looked down at it, confused. Kenma didn't text him often, it was a little strange to get a text from him. Kageyama looked at him questioningly, but didn't ask. He opened the text and replied slowly, a little nervous.

: hey kenma whats up?

KENMAAAA: just wanted 2say sry 4 kuroo n oikawa again. idk 

: its fine they didnt know i guess. i didnt know they were trans too. :0

KENMAAAA: yeah were all a lil trans family i guess (^◇^;)

: we?

KENMAAAA: o shoot i guess u dont know... ( ；´Д｀) i guess cats out of the bag now huh

: ??? 

KENMAAAA: heh, cat. lol

: kenma what?

KENMAAAA: im nb shou i guess I never told u??? 

: nb? 

KENMAAAA: nonbinary. i dont have a gender. i guess i lean kinda fem tho. wish mom would let me buy skirts

: uh... you can have mine?

KENMAAAA: W H A T 

: ive got lots... didnt want to throw them out, i guess. ill bring them next time we see eachother if you want

KENMAAAA: ((((；ﾟДﾟ))))))) OMG

: so.?? ur...

KENMAAAA: i use they pronouns if thats the ? 

: oh

KENMAAAA: anyway just wanted u 2 know ur in good company. theyre v enthusiastic but theyll protect u till u die (＞▽＜) 

: ok thanks kenma! ^-^ (how are you making those faces??)

KENMAAAA: its a button on the keyboard ♪( ´▽｀)

: ヽ(´o｀；

KENMAAAA: u got it （≧∇≦）

Hinata put his phone down. That had been... An interesting conversation. Kageyama was looking at him, rubbing lazy circles on his leg with his fingers.  
"Who was that?"  
"Kenma. He- they- were just apologizing for Oikawa and Kuroo."  
Kageyama blinked. "They? Who else?"  
"Kenma. They use they pronouns. I never knew." Hinata mused, flopping over sideways onto Kageyama's lap.  
"Hey, you're crushing my arm. What do you mean, they pronouns?" Kageyama wiggled his arm out from under Hinata, reaching over and putting it on his hip instead, starting the circles back up. Hinata wiggled a little bit.  
"That tickles, jerk! It means instead of he you say they and instead of him you say them and their instead of his. It's easy." He nuzzled his head into Kageyama's leg, tired.  
"That's not right, they is for more than one person."  
"Nuh uh! You're wrong! What do you say when someone leaves their trash at a table and you come up and you're mad about it?"  
"Uh... They left their trash?" Kageyama poked Hinata a bit. "What do you mean."  
"SEE. You just used they for one person. Told you. Anyway, they're gonna take my old skirts and stuff." Hinata sighed and closed his eyes as Kageyama moved his hands up a little, towards his ribs, still rubbing gently. "Ow."  
"Oh, sorry, should I stop? Does that hurt?" Kageyama drew his hand up, fast, suddenly worried.  
"No it was nice. You worry too much." Hinata shifted, grumbling, until Kageyama put his hand back and resumed rubbing his sore ribs, putting a little more pressure this time. He relaxed into it, sleepy. 

Silence stretched on. It was comfortable silence. 

Hinata was starting to nod off. Kageyama pushed his shoulder a little.  
"Come on, roll over. You have ribs on both sides, you know."  
Hinata whined a little, but rolled over. That was the side that really had been hurting. The knife was out from between his ribs, but it was still sore.  
When Kageyama moved his hand up and reached the sore point on Hinata's ribs, he cried out a little, curling in on himself. Kageyama gasped, pulled his hand off again, and put it down on Hinata's cheek.  
"I'm sorry, did I hurt you?? What happened?"  
"That's where the knife was. It's fine. Keep doing that." Hinata took a breath, straightened out, and looked up at Kageyama. He was still staring down at him with concern written all over his face. How could people say that he was heartless? Hinata thought. He had the biggest heart of anyone he knew. He just kept it hidden away.  
Slowly, Kageyama placed his hand back onto Hinata's ribs, rubbing again. Hinata winced, but didn't move.  
"Here?"  
Hinata nodded, eyes still squinted shut. It hurt, but it would help. He blushed a little, thinking about Kageyama's hands on him, but wasn't embarrassed. He trusted Kageyama.  
Kageyama rubbed slowly, following the line of Hinata's ribs. He moved up and down, keeping from staying on the one sore place for too long.  
"You need to be more careful, moron." he murmured, and Hinata nodded a little, eyes still shut. He had learned his lesson.  
Finally, Kageyama's phone buzzed in his pocket and Hinata had to move to let Kageyama grab it. His mom was home, and he had no more excuse to stay with Hinata.  
"Can't you stay??" Hinata said, scooting to lay his whole body across Kageyama's lap dramatically.  
"Not really, Shouyou. I have homework, you do too. Move now."  
"No" Hinata said, arms above his head. "I'm very comfortable."  
Kageyama poked Hinata's stomach, making him squeal a little with laughter.  
"I'm warning you, Shou." Kageyama smiled a little, evil look in his eye.  
"You wouldn't"  
"Oh I would." Kageyama started to tickle Hinata, who squealed and wiggled, almost falling off the bed in the process.  
Kageyama scooped him up order his arms and knees, lifting him in a steady movement, then turning around to face the bed.  
"I'm gonna drop you!" he threatened, and Hinata grabbed him around the neck with the strongest grip he could muster and pressed his face into Kageyama's neck.  
"You meanie" he said, voice muffled. He didn't want Kageyama to leave. Not today. 

"I can't stay."  
"But..."  
"Shou..."  
"Tobio, please." He felt desperation creeping into his voice. That was embarrassing. But he didn't want him to go.  
"Shou... God. My mom has been gone for a week. I have to welcome her home. And take a shower. And do my homework. But..."  
Hinata looked up at him, sad but hopeful. "But what?"  
Kageyama sighed, sounding resigned. "I might be able to convince her to let me come back. We can work on homework together, I guess, and walk to practice tomorrow together..." he mused, sounding more like he was planning than anything.  
"Yes! Yes! Please! I... Don't want to be alone right now." Hinata responded, kissing Kageyama's cheek enthusiastically. "Please please!"  
"It's not that I don't want to, Shouyou. You know that. I just have to get her okay first."

Hinata kissed Kageyama's cheek another few times, loudly. Kageyama laughed a little, lowering Hinata's legs to the ground to let him stand. He kept his arms around Kageyama's neck, kissing him softly. Kageyama put his other arm around Hinata's back and pulled him closer to deepen the kiss.  
Hinata leaned into Kageyama's chest, stretching upwards on his toes, then realized that his chest was pressing against Kageyama. He took a sharp panicked breath in, jerking backwards and almost falling, then stepped back a few more steps as Kageyama let go, looking at him, confused.  
"I'm sorry, I... My binder... I'm..." Hinata didn't really know how to express what he was thinking. His chest was unbound, and he was very uncomfortable with Kageyama, well, knowing.  
"I'm sorry, Shouyou. I shouldn't have..." Kageyama had his hands up in front of him, as if he was calming a wild horse, Hinata thought. He must have looked more panicked than he thought.  
"No I just! I didn't mean! I..." Hinata said, stepping back towards Kageyama, who took a step back in turn. "It's okay! I just. I'm sorry."  
Kageyama slowly approached him and took his hands. Hinata didn't notice that they were shaking until Kageyama's steady ones held them.  
"I'm sorry." Hinata hung his head.  
"You don't need to apologize. You've had a long day. I'm going to go, you rest. Please. I'll be back, hopefully. Soon." Kageyama leaned in, wavered visibly, and kissed Hinata on the top of his head. Hinata closed his eyes as Kageyama took away his hands, and when he opened them again, he was alone in his room.

He wasn't planning on the panic setting in so fast.  
But it did. 

It was an hour before Kageyama texted Hinata. He was curled in a ball, phone on his pillow, staring at it when it finally buzzed. 

Bakageyama♡: Is it still okay if I come over? My mom says it's fine if I want to sleep over. 

: ye s please

Bakageyama♡: Alright. I'll be over soon.

Hinata just threw his phone down onto the bed. Kageyama was still coming over. He didn't hate him. He was coming back.  
He took a few deep breaths, wincing a little, and tried to calm down. 

When the doorbell finally rang, Hinata yelled "I got it!" as he thundered down the hallway to the door.  
"You came!" he sighed, breathless from his mad dash to the door.  
"Of course I did, moron. I said I was coming." Kageyama's crooked smile made Hinata's heart speed up, as always.  
"Yeah. Yeah, you did." Hinata couldn't take his eyes off of Kageyama's face.  
"Oh...kay... I'm gonna come in now." Kageyama said, giving Hinata a look before taking a few steps in, kicking off his shoes at the door.  
"Yes! My room now!" Hinata said, bouncing a little as he said it.  
"Homework, then sleep." Kageyama nodded. 

Homework, of course, didn't get done. But what did they really expect? 

The two fell asleep early, exhausted from the match, Hinata snuggled under Kageyama's protective arms, his face pressed into his hair.  
He felt safe there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hinata you better learn your damn lesson about that binder.  
> Also do yourself a favor and imagine Kenma in a little twirly skirt.  
> You're welcome.


	4. A Dot on His Leg

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Transgendered," the paper said. He laughed about it with Oikawa and Kuroo later. "Us transgenderers, just transgendering around!" Kuroo had said, mock-serious, while Oikawa laughed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Needles and HRT warning, my good friends. If those bother you, just skip this whole chapter. It'll be fine.

Hinata bounced his leg uncontrollably in the waiting room, staring blankly at the chairs around him. He was stressed out, heart pounding, feeling something sharp jolt through his chest every so often as he thought about the appointment he was about to go into. It was panic, he knew logically, but he couldn't stop it.   
Kageyama's strong, thin hand set itself gently atop his restless leg, and he blinked suddenly, surprised. He had been so zoned out he almost forgot Kageyama was there. He relaxed his leg a little, and Kageyama gave him a little squeeze. That was Kageyama's best form of reassurance. He had never been good with words. Hinata appreciated it all the same. 

He had arrived too early for his appointment again. But for good reason. He was very stressed. Very, very stressed. 

The last time he had been here, he had been evaluated. That part was stressful, but easy. He had passed, with flying colors, and received a diagnosis.   
"Transgendered," the paper said. He laughed about it with Oikawa and Kuroo later. "Us transgenderers, just transgendering around!" Kuroo had said, mock-serious, while Oikawa laughed. Kageyama had squeezed his hand, gentle. He was proud too.   
But today was the day that he got to learn how to take a needle full of testosterone and stab it right into his leg. And that was, well, terrifying.   
Kageyama hadn't asked if he could come along, but Hinata knew he wanted to. And he wanted him there as well. 

"Hinata Shouyou?" a handsome young nurse called from the door. Hinata shot to his feet, knocking Kageyama's hand away, but quickly grabbed it with his own as Kageyama pulled back to grab Hinata's small backpack from the ground. Hinata could feel his hand shaking in Kageyama's steady one. He squeezed a little, as usual. Hinata tried to calm himself. Unsuccessfully. 

They were in a different room today than last time, and a different nurse came in, bubbly and excited, and had told him to take off his jeans so he could reach his thighs before noticing Kageyama in the corner and asking "is it alright if he stays?" confusion on her face.   
Hinata had laughed, voice still a little shaky, and said "Yeah, he wishes he saw less of my boxers, I bet." Kageyama had pursed his lips a little, but didn't say anything. 

"Ok, so I'll do your first one with saline, so you can see how to do it, and then you can do yours with the testosterone. Does that sound fair?" Hinata nodded, eyes wide and fearful, and Kageyama edged in a little closer to watch.   
The nurse was chatty and enthusiastic, and didn't seem bothered by Hinata's nerves. She'd probably seen hundreds, just like him.   
She showed him how she pulled air into the syringe, pushed it out into the vial, and pulled the same amount of saline out, then cleaned his thigh with an alcohol swab and, quickly, before he could back out, stabbed it into his muscle. It didn't hurt as much as he thought it would. Just a little poke. Then the saline was out and, just as quickly, so was the needle.   
Kageyama asked about the angle, if Hinata should tense or loosen his muscles, how fast is too fast, how slow is too slow, and a million other things. Hinata was just staring at his vial of T, heart slowly calming down. He was about to start T. After all these years. 

He followed the instructions exactly, but nothing could prepare him for the difference in consistency between saline and the hormones. At first, he thought he had done something wrong.   
"Nothing's coming?" he asked, looking at the nurse questioningly. She laughed. "It's much thicker. Be patient."   
He was patient.   
It was hard.   
Finally, the syringe was full enough, and he took the point out, holding it above his thigh and trying to override the panic that his body was filling him with, trying to stop him from hurting himself on purpose.   
Kageyama out his hand on his shoulder and squeezed.  
Hinata looked back at his boyfriend, smiled weakly, turned back, and did his shot flawlessly. 

It took forever to squeeze it all out of the syringe, and he bled a little as he pulled the needle out, but it was perfect. He couldn't take his eyes off the little dot on his leg. When he finally managed to tear his gaze away, he looked up into Kageyama's eyes, shining. Kageyama was giving him a rare smile, and his heart felt warm and full.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is almost exactly how my first T appointment went. And yes, my official papers say "Transgendered"   
> That's... not how grammar works. But ok.


	5. Finishing Touches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They didn't want to miss out, they had said, on all of his updates, so he made monthly updates and talked about new changes and what he had been up to so they could stay posted.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just some snapshots of life as a tiny trans.

It took a lot for him not to brag to everyone at school the next day. While the team all knew that Hinata was trans, now, he still wasn't sure if he wanted the rest of the students to know. His leg was sore, but he played just as hard as he always did, filled with an extra spurt of enthusiasm when he thought about how his voice would drop, his waist would even out, and he would, finally, feel better about himself in public.  
***  
There were nights where Kageyama had to hold him as he shuddered and sobbed, shook and cried. Those were the bad nights. When the thoughts of inadequacy, of insecurity, of doubt would come and wouldn't leave. Those nights, Kageyama stayed over, holding the tiny boy, coaxing him out of his binder into one of his baggy shirts, reassuring him over and over that he did love him, he was a real boy, even though he was gay it didn't matter to him, and a million other things. Those nights didn't happen often, but any amount was too many, so it didn't really matter.  
***  
Then there were nights when Hinata would prance around in just his boxers and his binder, brown eyes shining as they stared at Kageyama, who tried not to stare back. It was hard, sometimes. Hinata would feel confident, good, secure. Comfortable in his skin, oily and spotty as it had become.  
***  
When Kageyama pulled back from a kiss and told Hinata that he should shave, tears sprang to his eyes. He had never done it before, never needed to. This was a big day.  
Kageyama showed him how to shave, rinsing the razor, pulling in long strokes, and Hinata rubbed his cheeks for the rest of the day, feeling how smooth they were. Kageyama snorted at him whenever he did, but stroked the back of his hand down his cheek the next day all the same.  
***  
Hinata's voice changed, slowly but surely. He barely noticed the change, he heard himself every day and it was, of course, gradual, but every time he saw Kuroo and Oikawa again, they would comment that it sounded very low and masculine. Kenma had insisted that he make monthly videos, and he obliged, however unenthusiastic. They were insistent, and he caved quickly. They didn't want to miss out, they had said, on all of his updates, so he made monthly updates and talked about new changes and what he had been up to so they could stay posted. Kageyama watched them too. (You could just be there when I record them, you know, Hinata had said, indignant. Kageyama just shrugged and said it was more fun to watch them online.)  
***  
A weekend training camp rolled around, and Hinata was mistaken for a girl in the men's restroom by a player from another team. When he realized his mistake, he apologized profusely, but the damage was done. Hinata couldn't snap out of the anxiety and deep overwhelming sadness for hours, costing them several matches, until Kuroo lifted him up onto his shoulders and paraded around the whole camp shouting about how this was his bro and wasn't he handsome and wasn't he strong and talented and handsome and cute and handsome and did he mention handsome? It was the most nice things Hinata had ever heard Kuroo say about another person in one time, and he slowly cheered up (after covering his face in embarrassment and then promptly realizing that his bright orange hair would identify him anyway.) If he was being honest, it was a lot of fun being on Kuroo's shoulders, if not a little terrifying.  
"Is this how Lev feels every day?" he marveled aloud, laughing as Kenma spluttered and almost spit out their water.  
***  
Life went on, and Hinata did his injections weekly, like clockwork. Sometimes his hands would shake and he would, shamefully, hold out the needle to Kageyama, looking away as he did it for him. (It makes me feel inadequate, he explained one night, muffled in Kageyama's chest. So many people out there do these shots on their own, every week, like me. Or people with other diseases where they do shots every day! And I can't even handle this. I'm weak.) After those nights, he would settle himself in Kageyama's lap and watch whatever recorded match was in the player, not really watching at all.  
***  
By the time their first year ended, Hinata's changes were pretty apparent.  
"When you come back next year, you'll be totally different again! I'll have to start watching your videos to keep track of you, or I won't even recognize you!" Sugawara had said, placing a hand on his shoulder and bending a little to look him in the face.  
"Oh, Suga-san, I don't think you won't recognize me!!! But... I'll miss you."  
Sugawara pulled him into a hug then. "I'll miss you too, Shouyou. We'll keep in touch."  
"Yeah. Yeah, we will."  
***  
Being a transgender athlete wasn't the easiest thing to be. It was hard enough being a cis athlete, really, but being trans and an athlete was even harder. As Oikawa moved up to doing volleyball at a university, cameras followed him everywhere he went. He and Kuroo, loud and proud activists, gave talks to schools and special interviews and behind-the-scenes videos, trying to normalize being transgender. Hinata was grateful. He was too afraid, he supposed, or come out like that, but they were there for him. 

And so was Kageyama. Every step of the way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEW they're all out! Finally!!  
> Kuroo is good big brother  
> Small nervous trans boy featuring not one but TWO large loud trans boys. Good shit.

**Author's Note:**

> These boys are good and none of them are cishets.  
> I hope that any other trans people out there are enjoying my good old trans headcannons come yell more trans headcannons at me on my tumblr I'm fragile-euphoria!  
> As always, leave kudos or comments if you liked it! I love you guys you're too good to me.


End file.
